Birthday Poem for Jarret
Jarret, will there be an ice cream cake with your name written in tomato ketchup at your birthday party?
Will there be trick candles at your birthday party, Jarret? Because I hate trick candles.
Will there be any balloons at your birthday party?
If that’s the case, I’m not coming.
Will there be gifts in gift boxes?
Will there be Pin the Tail on the Donkey?
Big boxes wrapped in fancy paper make me nervous.
There won’t be any show girls at this party right, Jarret?
I don’t like any of these things.
I don’t like canary diamonds or inkwells, either just so you know.
Will there be any prosthetic limbs lying around at your birthday party, Jarret?
Prosthetic limbs are scary.
Jarret, will there be nitroglycerin at your birthday party or monkeys dressed in three-piece suits?
I love chimpanzees in three-piece suits.
Will there be Vic Tayback impersonators at your birthday party, Jarret?
I can live with impersonators impersonating Vic Tayback, but not half eaten bags of pistachios.
Jarret, will there be any live nude guys at your party?
You know how I feel about live nude guys and Vic Tayback impersonators eating half eaten bags of pistachios.
I will be there as long as there aren’t any rednecks wearing ponchos.
Jarret, this birthday party you’re throwing,
Will there be board games or shoe boxes filled with stamps?
Will you be giving away edible motorcycle jackets?
I’m leaving if I see a dust mop or a preliminary report.
If I smell lemon-scented furniture cleaner, I’m leaving.
If I see an orange bathroom rug, Brian, or burnt gingerbread cookies, I’m on the next plain out of Ohio before you can say…liver cheese, which I hate by the way.
Will there be rock salt, Jarret?
I’m history if I see purple construction paper.
If I see a widescreen TV or a six disc CD player, you better call me a cab because I’m leaving.
I love you like the white adopted brother I never had, but if I see any maximum protection panty liners at your birthday party, I don’t know what I will do. I’m just telling you. I’m just saying.
Who are you inviting?
Will Craig T. Nelson be there?
Will Marla Gibbs be there, Jarret?
What about the surviving member of Milli-Vanilli?
Will there be any Yugoslavian mail order brides at your party, Jarret?
Will Jimmy Smits be there or Cheryl Ladd?
Jarret, will there be any Solid Gold dancers at your birthday party?
Will Richard Simmons be there, Jarret?
Will there be white bangle tigers? I love white bangle tigers.
Jarret, will a poetry reading be held?
If so, I just might read a poem or two. Hell, maybe three poems if cured honey ham is going to be served.
Jarret, will the punch be spiked?
Will I have to take off my shoes?
Will there be a sushi chef at your birthday party, Jarret?
Will there be Buffalo wings?
If I see stridex pads and panda bears wearing low-riding jeans, I’m walking home shoeless in the snow of Kettering, Ohio.
If I see a PTA mom I’m leaving.
I’m allergic to Yugoslavian rappers just so you know, Jarret.
Macaroni salad breaks me out in bruises bigger than homemade ashtrays.
Will there be any step aerobic videos at your party? I like friendship bracelets but hate blue eye shadow.
Jarret, will Beau Bridges be there? I’m just asking, because I love Beau Bridges.
Happy birthday, Jarret.
A Sestina for Jarret
Jarret, do you have a large velvet pad I could borrow
Or a gold gift box?
I need a round velvet bar,
Jarret and an acrylic earring stand.
Do you have a velvet apple ring case
Or a slot bracelet tray?
Jarret, right about now I could use a bangle bracelet tray
And a few round velvet pads if you have some I could borrow.
Do you have a 7 spool case
and a leather gift box?
I need a 9-bar earring stand
If you have one, or an acrylic round t-bar.
They say if I don’t get them a round velvet t-bar
And a 12-slot bracelet tray
In 48 hours, I will be in a world of hurt. I need a black acrylic necklace stand
Too and a medium velvet pad to borrow
If that’s okay with you. Can you put it in a white gift box?
Jarret, do you have a 3-sided revolving tray in an acrylic case?
I need a 3-shelf mirrored locking case
With a small acrylic round t-bar.
Do you have any silver gift boxes?
I need that and a 15-slot bracelet tray
If you have one on you. Do you have a small velvet pad I could borrow
Until I can get that 4-row acrylic earring stand
I was telling you about? If you have a 6-row acrylic earring stand,
I would be forever in your debt. I know you have an acrylic key ring case
Jarret. Do you have a mirrored necklace bracelet I could borrow?
Jarret, I need a ½ dome t-bar
And a 72 bracelet tray
For 72 or so emerald boxes.
I could use a few gold gift boxes.
They say they’re going to cut off my hands if I don’t get them the acrylic earring stand.
Jarret, I need a 20-slot bracelet tray
Or an acrylic 3-sided case
Or two. Did you get that round rose gold t-bar
I told you I need to borrow?
Jarret, they told me if I don’t get them that
Velvet t-bar and a tray of gift boxes, it’s curtains for me.
They want the 4-row case acrylic earring stand and they mean business.